laundry blush
your new pink towel
meets hubby’s white shorts
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8 thoughts on “Haiku Fun”
ORIGINAL:
laundry blush
your new pink towel
meets hubby’s white shorts
The key words of blush (red on white, but also suggesting embarrassment, even discomfort) and someone’s pink towel and whose husband? I assumed the narrator is also the author of this verse, so your husband’s sports shorts or underwear gets tangled with someone else’s items?
As I don’t know who the person mentioned by ‘your’ is, all sorts of connotations can be realised by a reader.
Although I’d call this a senryu, and a good one because this is a common mistake of adding ‘colors’ and whites together, or accidentally something red slips into the whites bundle. 🙂
There are three people in the poem, by default, the narrator or narrator/author, the person known as ‘your’ and the ‘hubby’ which may be the ‘your’ person’s hubby, etc…
So setting that aside for the moment, and as senryu does not have to follow any perceived rules or guidelines in the way that haiku might be considered to follow, what about…
laundry blush
your new pink towel
meets his shorts
It has the Western three line shape where the middle line is longest, and tells less but suggests as much, if not more?
The reader can have fun wondering the relationship between ‘your’ and ‘his’ and their connection to the narrator, and if the narrator is the same as the author. We know narrators need not be the author, most prevalent in film, short stories, novels, long poems etc…
Thanks so much for your comment. In this case the narrator is an observer, but I guess a person could do different takes on whose laundry and whose towel. There are even options for the word “blush.”
One I considered: laundry distress
your pink towels blush
at his white shorts
I did consider the option you’ve given, but have to specify “white” or it doesn’t prompt the same distress. At least my (old-fashioned) hubby was dismayed when his white undershirts came out pink one day. 😉
Oh! Now that might be too risque! 😉 But it definitely could get the imagination going.
As I said above, there are so many options, it’s hard to know which to go with. Thanks again for your input.
Fascinating is fine — we don’t want to slip into “scandalous” here 😉
Whenever Alan gets involved the discussion gets really interesting; he has such a way of opening up new meanings in seemingly simple verses. He often leaves comments on the haiku submitted to “A Sense of Place” — a feature in the Haiku Foundation’s blog, Troutswirl. That section gives some fascinating reading.
ORIGINAL:
laundry blush
your new pink towel
meets hubby’s white shorts
The key words of blush (red on white, but also suggesting embarrassment, even discomfort) and someone’s pink towel and whose husband? I assumed the narrator is also the author of this verse, so your husband’s sports shorts or underwear gets tangled with someone else’s items?
As I don’t know who the person mentioned by ‘your’ is, all sorts of connotations can be realised by a reader.
Although I’d call this a senryu, and a good one because this is a common mistake of adding ‘colors’ and whites together, or accidentally something red slips into the whites bundle. 🙂
There are three people in the poem, by default, the narrator or narrator/author, the person known as ‘your’ and the ‘hubby’ which may be the ‘your’ person’s hubby, etc…
So setting that aside for the moment, and as senryu does not have to follow any perceived rules or guidelines in the way that haiku might be considered to follow, what about…
laundry blush
your new pink towel
meets his shorts
It has the Western three line shape where the middle line is longest, and tells less but suggests as much, if not more?
The reader can have fun wondering the relationship between ‘your’ and ‘his’ and their connection to the narrator, and if the narrator is the same as the author. We know narrators need not be the author, most prevalent in film, short stories, novels, long poems etc…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much for your comment. In this case the narrator is an observer, but I guess a person could do different takes on whose laundry and whose towel. There are even options for the word “blush.”
One I considered:
laundry distress
your pink towels blush
at his white shorts
I did consider the option you’ve given, but have to specify “white” or it doesn’t prompt the same distress. At least my (old-fashioned) hubby was dismayed when his white undershirts came out pink one day. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
wordpress weirdly doesn’t allow me to click like on some wordpress sites, but sometimes on other ones. So I like the senryu! 🙂 warm regards, Alan
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.
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ORIGINAL:
laundry blush
your new pink towel
meets hubby’s white shorts
or
laundry blush
my hubby’s white shorts
meet your new towel
???
warm regards,
Alan
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh! Now that might be too risque! 😉 But it definitely could get the imagination going.
As I said above, there are so many options, it’s hard to know which to go with. Thanks again for your input.
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Wow… Here I was simply enjoying your haiku but the discussion following it was fascinating…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fascinating is fine — we don’t want to slip into “scandalous” here 😉
Whenever Alan gets involved the discussion gets really interesting; he has such a way of opening up new meanings in seemingly simple verses. He often leaves comments on the haiku submitted to “A Sense of Place” — a feature in the Haiku Foundation’s blog, Troutswirl. That section gives some fascinating reading.
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Hahaha!!
And cool.
LikeLiked by 1 person