Audacity

in the old snake plant
a chickweed seed
dares to sprout

4 thoughts on “Audacity

  1. Regarding:

    in the old snake plant
    a chickweed seed
    dares to sprout

    Sometimes starting with ‘in the’ can work, but I wonder, because of the ‘dares’ choice as a verb, that perhaps going back to the more common two-part aspect of a haiku, in a way, it’s like two almost complete but not quite yet halves.

    By removing ‘in the’ I feel the humour of the verb choice works better rather than the directing the reader with ‘in the…’

    Just a thought.

    warm regards,
    Alan

    The Moon is Broken: Juxtaposition in haiku
    https://area17.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-moon-is-broken-juxtaposition-in.html

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your comment. I would have omitted something here, but didn’t know just what. Included “in the” for clarity, but maybe it would be clear enough without. I contemplated omitting “seed” and “to” out. So, better?:
      the old snake plant
      a chickweed
      dares sprout

      Like

      1. I know people new to haiku like more ‘instructions’ because a tiny poem that is two parts, actually two incomplete verses, is a little foreign to Western eyes.

        ORIGINAL:

        in the old snake plant
        a chickweed seed
        dares to sprout

        Later revision:

        the old snake plant
        a chickweed
        dares sprout

        I kinda just liked the original minus ‘in the’. 🙂

        Normally bunging in ‘old’ can be a cliché but I felt it worked here, as in the old wily wild animal syndrome. And ‘seed’ works as you could also see an allusion to stories about sowing seeds on patchy types of ground.

        Just a couple of pennies. 🙂

        Alan

        Liked by 1 person

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