November 1, 2020:
Sticksville is a nice-sized town set in the lush corn belt somewhere west of Pennsylvania. A quiet community with a home-town friendliness. Safe, too; no big-time crimes happen here. The last major assault case was back in the fifties when one of the bankers whacked some miscreant he found trying to break into the safe.
People here in Sticksville are generally a down-to-earth bunch. Most citizens cast a skeptical eye on gloom-and-doom prophecy and people who claim to foresee the future. But our residents may have changed their minds after this morning’s invasion. An invasion that was foretold just two days ago.
It appears that on Thursday, Oct 30th, in the middle of the afternoon, diners in the Tradewinds food court were startled when a young woman climbed up on a seat and began shouting to the multitude. Two good friends, Isadonna and Panorama, told our roving reporter that they arrived at the Tradewinds, the town’s only indoor shopping mall, just in time to see the woman stand up on a seat and start calling out.
At first, they said, she could hardly make herself heard over the general babble, but everyone fell silent as they realized what was taking place. The two friends soon caught on that she was shrieking some warning at her unwilling audience, ranting about a “mega-disaster invasion” coming very soon. They observed a mixture of doubt and fear on the faces of the audience.
Calling herself an “end-times Cassandra” the woman announced the disaster as “something that will affect the whole town – each and every one of you. The stars Plexius and Glassus have aligned this week. The ground hogs have burrowed really deep this fall. Nature has given them a danger signal. And last night I dreamed of alien forms all over Sticksville. These are SIGNS! We are about to be invaded by some sinister force! We need to prepare for a disaster of mega-proportions. Very soon,” she reportedly claimed.
Mall security arrived at this point and led her away, but her proclamation caused quite the fracas in the food court as people debated what her prophecy would amount to and others speculated about how much her psychiatric bill would amount to. As people left the mall, details of her chilling prognostication began to disseminate all through the community.
As I said, residents of Stickville may wish to pay closer attention to future prophecies, since citizens all over town woke up this morning to discover piles of what are apparently unsold Halloween pumpkins and gourds in their yards.
Local farmers are being questioned.